One evening, many years ago, I walked out of a church
building after I had attended a meeting. As I walked to find my car in the parking lot,
I saw a man and woman standing on the sidewalk talking rather closely with each
other. They had smiles on their faces as they were looking at each other. It was obvious that they were happy to be
conversing with one another. We were the
only three people in the parking lot at the time. They looked up at me, I
looked at them and we said “hello” and I continued to go get into my car.
You would think that this would be a normal greeting,
a friendly hi to people I knew. In fact, the woman in the parking lot happened
to be a very close friend. We had known each other before both of us were
married years earlier. In fact, she was the friend that introduced me to my
husband. The man was a more of a
friendly acquaintance, however, I knew his wife and some of his children a
little bit better. But still, it was an
awkward greeting. It was a feeling of “something isn’t quite right” kind of
thing.
As I continued my drive home, I had a terrible feeling
come over me. I had seen my friend with this man much more than I realized. I
had seen them at parties, church functions, friendly gatherings. Their families
were there, but I realized that most of their attention was focused on each
other, not their families and certainly not their spouses.
I started
reflecting on a few things that had happened while being with my friend during
the last several weeks. As we were together, she would mention that she was
struggling with things about her marriage. I noticed that she was growing
increasing unhappy in her situation. I
noticed that when she talked about the man (in the parking lot) that she would
talk very fondly of him, mentioning his qualities of kindness, patience, and an
easy going nature. I began to realize that she was comparing the qualities of
this man to the qualities of her husband. I could see and feel that her husband
was not winning in the comparison.
I had had a feeling that something was going on with
my friend and this man for some time, but I wanted to be in denial of it. We
were so close, and our children played with one another, yet I wanted to ignore
the signs. I could never bring myself to ask her about such a personal matter.
How dare I do that? What if I was wrong?
But that evening, when I walked out that church door, my feelings could
no longer be ignored.
As time passed, I didn’t question my friend. I waited
for her to tell me. Finally, my friend came to my door and
asked to speak with me and my husband. She began to admit to us that she was
having an affair and that she had planned to leave her husband. Although it wasn’t shocking news, it was
heart-wrenching, and devastating news to hear. So many lives were changed by
this decision by two people. They married shortly after and are still married
to this day.
When affairs begin, a person may think that they are
not even entering into that territory. They might think that they are just
making a new close friend at work or at church that really understands. They
may think that this new friendship is something unique because the new friend
just “gets it”.
In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Goddard talks about how subtly
Satan starts to pull us into situations that essentially are non-threatening.
Friendships start-up that seem benign. Our behaviors are innocent, but our
affections can start to grow. Then the flirting begins, and all of sudden,
there is justification on the way we are feeling, yet we think that no harm has
been done. Then we start to see the relationship as being “special”.
This is when it gets really dangerous. Goddard says: “The
unfaithfulness moves to more serious and dangerous stage of unfaithfulness when
one or both of the people declare their relationship ‘special’. They would never dream of doing anything
immoral or improper… but a person increasingly makes excuses to see the special
friend. They plan their schedules to assure they will be together.”
At this stage a person might start seeing their spouse
as annoyance or nuisance. Also, at this stage a person may start having
fantasies about how they should have always been with this person from the
beginning and not their spouse. The final stage of unfaithfulness is when
physical aspects such as kissing or sexual acts begin. Of course, this can lead
to the breakup of a marriage and of a family.
If we find ourselves turning towards someone else, and
not our spouses, we need to stop, turn around and run! We should always be
aware of our feelings in situations. Goddard gives wonderful keys on how we can keep from falling into the path of an affair:
- Do not look at another person lustfully.
- Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person who is not your spouse.
- Guard your level of emotional intimacy you build with a non-spouse.
- Do not let your heart dwell on anyone other than your spouse
- Spend more time with your spouse doing enjoyable things.
- Pray for strength and ask for the Lord to put temptation out of your mind.
- Stay away from pornography at all cost.
If we try to remember to put our spouses first in our
hearts, thoughts and minds, we will be blessed with loving and appreciating
them more and more each day.
Follow up on my friend:
There were and still are many consequences that my
friend and her spouse face today with the decision that were made. In fact,
everyone that was involved in this situation, the ex-spouses, the children,
still face hard consequences for the actions of two people. But with that being
said, I also believe that my friend and her spouse have also suffered much. I
have certainly watched them pay a price for their actions. I do believe they
recognize the pain and hardship that they caused.
I do not wish
them ill will. I love them dearly. I
continue to wish them luck and good fortune in their journey. I also wish the
same for their ex-spouses and their new spouses. But mostly, I wish it for
their children. I want them all to be happy. I know that the Lord wants them to
be happy.
Time does heal, however it is the Atonement of Jesus
Christ is what truly reconciles what is good and virtuous. The Savior has
offered a way back into His fold. He has offered a way to have peace again. He loves
all of His Children regardless of the mistakes we make. He does not condone our
sins, however, He will forgive them if we will repent. That is the shining
light that gives me hope. To know that we can start all over again.
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