When I was
newly married, my mother-in-law did something that made my life easier. She
told me that I didn’t have to come to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. She expressed
to me and her other in-law children that she didn’t want to stress everyone out
for the holidays. To her, it just wasn’t worth the high emotions that can run at that time of
year. She presented me with an alternative for Thanksgiving dinner. She
asked me if I would like to join her for Thanksgiving Dinner on the Saturday following
Thanksgiving Day. How could I refuse? She was allowing me to do whatever I
pleased on Thanksgiving Day and I was happy to show up for a second wonderful
dinner a few days later.
In the
book Helping and Healing Our Families:
Principles and Practices Inspired by “The Family: Proclamation to The World”
James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen have a chapter entitled, Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and
Extended Families. This chapter focuses on how we can make our marriages
strong and weather the storms of “In-Law-Dom”.
These
authors teach that newly married couples need to form an identity of their own
and not “cleave unto” their parents. My mother- in law was making this possible
for me by allowing me to start my own traditions. However, the authors
recommend that we should not forget our parents. “New husbands and wives must
recognize that their spouses still have relationships with their parents.” This
was important to me as well; I didn’t want to cut my husband off from his
parents or family. With my mother-in-law’s proposal of a Saturday Thanksgiving
dinner, it made it easy to do this. I
wanted to take the time and be with her and my husband’s family.
An
important factor in the In-Law relationship is communication. There shouldn’t
be mixed messages, or ignoring people. This can only lead to heartache and
misery. It can also lead to marriage instability. Gloria Horsley listed five things that every
parent-in-law should avoid they are: (Pg. 332.)
- Give advice/ criticizing
- Force children to explain why they didn’t make the big family event
- Take over the discipline of grand-children
- Control everyone and try to influence everyone’s belief system
- Have unclear and indirect communication
My
mother-in-law did a wonderful job in communicating her expectations to me. I
was able to evaluate for myself, whether her expectations were fair or not.
Luckily, I felt she was more than fair. She was unselfish in giving up a
beloved holiday dinner so her In-law children would not feel the pressure of
accommodating her. This simple act went a long way with me and forming a
relationship with my mother-in law. I
recognize now that it was her way of saying, “I want you to be happy in your
marriage. I don’t want to come between you and my son in making small or large
decisions in your marriage. This is your marriage to grow and nurture. Go and
be happily married.”
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