Did you grow up in a family where mom and dad were
considered equal bosses of the home? Did they make decisions together and
counsel with one another on important decisions? Or did you grow up in a home where you and
your siblings “ruled the roost”? Maybe you grew up in a home where your father
had the absolute say on everything, or maybe it was your mother? Whatever, your
situation someone in your household had to be the boss.
The next question I am going to ask is “Who is the “best
type of boss” in a home where children reside?”
A. Is
it one parent?
B. Is it two parents’? (Mom and Dad).
C. Is it the child or children? (Please don’t
laugh at this, I have seen many children run the show in their households.)
D. Is
it possibly Grandma and Grandpa?
The answers to my question is B, mom and dad. Of course this seems obvious to most people.
It even sounds ideal, and it is. However, I am well aware that some homes do
not have both parents’ residing in the home. In that case, the answer is would
be A. It is also possible that neither parents exist in the home. (I have also
witnessed this in my lifetime) and the grandparents are those who raise
children and need to act as the boss of their grandchildren. But the answer I
was looking for, eluded to who was the “best” boss in the home. I believe it is
both the father and the mother presiding equally over their family.
The most important thing to recognize is that parents
should lead with “loving leadership”. Parents should not be harsh or abusive
with their children. They should not be domineering and lead their homes as if
it were a dictatorship. It means that they lead their children with love and
understanding.
Richard B. Miller PhD gave an address at the BYU
Conference on Family Life entitled: Who
is the Boss? Power Relationships in the Family (Miller, 2008). He stated that: “The
issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues
regarding power are at the root of many family problems.” He lists four things
to help us recognize these issues and how to avoid them.
1. Parents
are the leaders in the family. Miller states: “In healthy, well-functioning
families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are
the “executive committee” and the “board of directors of a family.
2. Parent’s
must be united in leadership: “It is important that parents work together in
their leadership in the family…It is vital that parents support each other in
the presence of their children. If a parents disagree on parenting issues, they
should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children
present.”
3. The
parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. – Yes, finally!
The day does come when a child no longer needs to be bossed around by his
parents! Miller goes on to state: “When children become adults, the
relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the
parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey
them.” However, there is a caveat to this. Parents still can ask their children
to abide by their rules and standards when they are present in their homes.
4. The
marital relationship should be a partnership. Miller acknowledges: “Healthy
marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife… Husband
and wives do have different responsibilities, but they function as
equals.” A father should provide for the
necessities of his family, while a mother is responsible for the nurture of the
children.
When we recognize as parents and children our divine
roles in the family, then peace and unity can abide in the family unit.
President Thomas S. Monson puts it all into perspective! He states: “What is
most important, almost always involves the people around us (Monson, 2008)”
And
what is most important? Family, of course!
References:
Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.”
BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.
Thomas S. Monson, “Finding Joy in the Journey”.
General Conference, October 2008.
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