My husband Adam is wonderful at responding to me when
I need something done. For example, If I am out of eggs to make cookies, I will
ask him to run to the store and pick some up. He usually never hesitates and
just does it. Sometimes I think he does it is because he is anxious for the
delicious cookies I am going to make him, and other times I think he does it
because he loves me. But the truth is, It’s probably both.
And then there’s me. I am not so sure if I am
as good as he is… when it comes to responding enthusiastically to do something
for him or with him. There have been many times he has wanted me to run simple
errands with him such as going to the bank, or getting gas for the car, and I
have said “no, I just don’t have time, you just do it.” I have seen the
disappointment on his face during those times, and I regret it. These are the
times that I needed to “turn towards” my husband and be with him.
In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the third principle
is “Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away”. This means that couples look for
ways that they can respond to their partners with affection, humor, and
support. When we ask our partners for something as simple as a getting the
mail, going to the grocery store, or as difficult as helping out with your
aging parents, we are making a “bid” to our partners. It is in the response
that decides whether we are “turning toward” or “turning away” from the bid.
(Pg.88)
One of the first steps we need to take is to simply
recognize these moments. When my husband calls me on his way home from work and
says “Honey, if I stop by and pick you up to go to the bank with me, will
you’ll come?” Then my husband is placing a “bid” for attention. What this “bid”
is all about is that my husband wants my attention. He’s not calling me to ask
me if I will be the one that will run the check into the bank, while he sits in
the car, he just wants to visit with me while we drive to the bank.
Picking
Out Sodas!
As I have contemplated this idea of “bids” and
“turning towards” each other, I recognize how important it is to stop and take
those moments to see and hear what it is that your spouse needs. These moments
can turn into the best moments of your marriage. Just the other day, my husband
had to run an errand to pick up soda’s for his friends 50th birthday
party. He asked me if I would go with him. For a moment I had the thought that
he could just go and do it, but instead I did the opposite and said “Yes, I
would love to go with you!” During that little errand we laughed and joked
about things that had gone on during the past week. They weren’t important
things at all, but what was important was being together as best friends.
At the store I
watched my husband carefully pick out the soda’s. He had chosen gourmet soda’s
and your regular everyday soda’s. He chose diet sodas and flavored waters. He
chose juice packets for the children. He even chose the bottled water
carefully. I was amazed at how thoughtful he was being about his friend’s
birthday party.
That night as I sat with my husband at the party, I
noticed how people were excited about the soda choices. Comments were made
about how great the soda choice was! This was a revelation to me that night. I
had made the choice to go with my husband to a grocery store that day to watch
him buy soda’s. It was worth it! Not only was it a pleasant moment in our
marriage, but it had carried over to the pleasure of others. We need to make
sure we always turn towards each other so we don’t miss the best moments in
life!
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