How a Bale of Hay Solved Our Conflict!

“Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” (John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) 

What?  Married couples don’t have to fix every problem in a marriage to stay happily married? If you would have asked me this questions 28 years ago as a newlywed, I would have responded “I don’t intend to have problems with my spouse! We are going to be the perfect couple!” How inexperienced I was!  If you asked me this question about 15 years into my marriage, I would have responded with a resounding “That’s crazy! If I don’t fix the problem soon, we are going to have unhappiness in our marriage forever!” Today if you were to ask me, (28 years later after we tied the knot), I have to say Mr. Gottman knows what he talking about.

There are two kinds of conflict in a marriage…solvable conflict and perpetual conflict. Solvable conflict is exactly what it sounds like, solvable. Perpetual conflict is that conflict that is never really ever going to go away, but you can cope with it and have a strong and happy marriage.

This week my focus is on solving solvable conflict:  

I am not saying that solvable conflict is the easier kind of conflict, because these types of conflicts can cause heartache and pain. But Dr. Gottman gives some really great tools to help a couple solve these types of problems in our marriage. 

1.      Soften your start-up

2.      Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3.      Soothe yourself and each other

4.      Compromise

5.      Process any grievances so that don’t linger.

(John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Pg. 161)

Here is an example of a solvable conflict that my husband and I once had. My husband Adam is a big guy. He can be a little bit of the silent type.  He is 6’3 and sometimes he can come across intimidating to others because he is so tall and ruggedly handsome! (I had to add that in there!) I have known people to actually be afraid to approach him and start up a conversation. He kind of had that attitude that this was a good thing, after all, no one would bother him about things. I on the other hand found this to be very annoying. I wanted him and I to both be friendly and approachable to everyone we came in contact with.  I knew what a good man I was married too and felt that he should let them know what a good guy he was. He felt like people should just accept him for who he was, and if they liked him so be it. If not, oh well!  

For example, one day a friend of mine called me and asked if Adam would pick up a bale of hay in his truck for her at the local ranch store. (She was using it for a fun “barn dance” she was putting on at the church.) I said, “I am sure he would, why don’t I hand the phone to him and you can speak with him directly and tell him your needs.” My friend panicked! She quickly stated, “Oh, it’s okay! I will get someone else to do it. I don’t want to bother him!” I immediately realized that my friend was scared to talk to my husband. I realized she had never really ever talked to him. I had no idea that she felt that he was unapproachable. However, I forced the issued and put them on the phone together and he told her he would be happy to do it. 

This incident caused an immediate “discussion”. I told my husband that he should not be so intimidating with people. He told me that he was just “being himself”. I told him he could try harder at making people feel more comfortable being around them by talking to them. He said, “I have friends that talk to me all the time!” He then stated, “I don’t know why people are so afraid of me, I have never even talked to them.” Of course, I replied, “Well if you would be more friendly towards them, then they wouldn’t be scared of you.” I don’t think I practiced my “softened start-up” technique very well.  

As I think about it, I was the one that needed to relax a bit. I told him that I needed to lighten up a bit. He told me that he would try a little harder and not try to come across so unapproachable. This encompassed our good repair attempts, soothing and comprise techniques.

Over time, I started to recognize that my husband is the most genuinely friendly person I know. I know he had to think about it sometimes. Change can be hard. But he was sensitive to others. He didn’t change his personality to suit others, he just became more aware of them and their feelings. Through this change, I came to realize just what a kind a generous person he is. He is always serving others. Because of this change, I don’t push him to talk to everyone he comes in contact with.  

The story ends happily. This problem no longer lingers between us. By the way… My friend, who called and asked for the bale of hay… became really good friends with my husband. She became known as the “big sister” he never had.