True Charity In Marriage

Many people think of charity as giving money or donating goods to a local charitable foundation, like a homeless shelter. Others, think of charity as taking a casserole or cookies over to a neighbor’s home who may be sick or had some other misfortune in their life. Some people may think of charity as abstaining from making a smart remark to a co-worker or a family member. I am not trying to say that these things are not charitable, however, I do think that some of these things are done possibly out of duty more than the goodness and charitable things of our hearts.

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For example: Anybody, can donate money to a charity, but that money may be donated for tax purposes and not really out of the goodness of a person’s heart. I am guilty of that. There have been times in my life when I got the phone call from the Compassionate Service Leader in my church asking me to take a casserole over to the woman who just had a baby or who had just gotten out of the hospital and all I felt was inconvenienced. So with a grumbling, bothered attitude, I would take the dinner over. However, that was better that saying “no” because I didn’t want to feel guilty for not doing it. I wouldn’t exactly say there was charity in my heart. 

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So what is charity? I mean real, true charity? 

 

True charity is having a pure love of God and recognizing how God loves others. To have true charity, we need to try and love as God does. We need to see other’s the way He sees them. When we can understand what true charity is, then we can look at others and see them how God sees them. He sees them with love, compassion, and understanding. With this knowledge, we need to look at how we treat others, especially our spouses. Do we let the annoyances of our partner’s irritate us? Or do we look at those annoyances and let them pass us by? If we can do that, then true charity is taking place.
 
Wallace Goddard stated this about marriage: “…Somewhere along the way some challenge surfaces that seems insurmountable. It may be a spouse with a temper, one who will not be close and affectionate, or pornography and unfaithfulness. These challenges are insurmountable-unless we have charity. We simply will not survive and thrive in the challenges of marriage unless we take upon ourselves the mindset that Jesus has.” (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard. Pg.123)

How is that possible?  Can we have the same mindset as Jesus Christ?  Some may say that is blasphemous, others may say, I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. Whatever the case may be, we can still look at Jesus Christ as an exemplary model of how charity works.

 

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Jesus Christ is the teacher of true charity. In the King James Bible Dictionary, charity is described at this: “Jesus Christ is the perfect example of charity. In His mortal ministry, He always “went about doing good,” teaching the gospel and showing tender compassion for the poor, afflicted, and distressed. His crowning expression of charity was His Infinite Atonement. He said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends”. This was the greatest act of long-suffering, kindness, and selflessness that we will ever know.” (see Matthew 4:23; Mark 6:6; Acts 10:38 John 15:13)

So how do we obtain charity in our hearts?  The answer might be that we need to do some changing. Goddard teaches that we must “…recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy and grace of the Holy Messiah” (Pg. 123). If we do this, then we can begin to change our hearts and our minds. We may need to do some repenting, soul searching and humble ourselves.

We also need to slow down and really look at our spouses and put ourselves in their shoes. Marleen S. Williams said this: “When you understand another person through the lens of his or her own life experience and history, you will find it easier to interpret that person’s behavior accurately and to learn how to accommodate differences” (Pg. 128).

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Maybe it’s time that we really slow down and think about our spouses and how they bless our lives. Maybe it’s time that we let things go and not let those annoyances bother us. Maybe it’s time we forgive our spouse for things they have done that have hurt us. Maybe it’s time we show them love and empathy for the challenges they are facing in life. Maybe it’s time to have true charity in our hearts.

I am learning that Charity needs to be in our hearts constantly. We need to NOT let the little annoyances of others and life bother us. I think that is how Jesus Christ is. He didn’t feel annoyed when He was asked to serve or bless someone. He was had a pure love for everyone. I believe that is true charity. I don’t have that virtue yet in my life, but I am working on it.

How a Bale of Hay Solved Our Conflict!

“Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” (John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) 

What?  Married couples don’t have to fix every problem in a marriage to stay happily married? If you would have asked me this questions 28 years ago as a newlywed, I would have responded “I don’t intend to have problems with my spouse! We are going to be the perfect couple!” How inexperienced I was!  If you asked me this question about 15 years into my marriage, I would have responded with a resounding “That’s crazy! If I don’t fix the problem soon, we are going to have unhappiness in our marriage forever!” Today if you were to ask me, (28 years later after we tied the knot), I have to say Mr. Gottman knows what he talking about.

There are two kinds of conflict in a marriage…solvable conflict and perpetual conflict. Solvable conflict is exactly what it sounds like, solvable. Perpetual conflict is that conflict that is never really ever going to go away, but you can cope with it and have a strong and happy marriage.

This week my focus is on solving solvable conflict:  

I am not saying that solvable conflict is the easier kind of conflict, because these types of conflicts can cause heartache and pain. But Dr. Gottman gives some really great tools to help a couple solve these types of problems in our marriage. 

1.      Soften your start-up

2.      Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3.      Soothe yourself and each other

4.      Compromise

5.      Process any grievances so that don’t linger.

(John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Pg. 161)

Here is an example of a solvable conflict that my husband and I once had. My husband Adam is a big guy. He can be a little bit of the silent type.  He is 6’3 and sometimes he can come across intimidating to others because he is so tall and ruggedly handsome! (I had to add that in there!) I have known people to actually be afraid to approach him and start up a conversation. He kind of had that attitude that this was a good thing, after all, no one would bother him about things. I on the other hand found this to be very annoying. I wanted him and I to both be friendly and approachable to everyone we came in contact with.  I knew what a good man I was married too and felt that he should let them know what a good guy he was. He felt like people should just accept him for who he was, and if they liked him so be it. If not, oh well!  

For example, one day a friend of mine called me and asked if Adam would pick up a bale of hay in his truck for her at the local ranch store. (She was using it for a fun “barn dance” she was putting on at the church.) I said, “I am sure he would, why don’t I hand the phone to him and you can speak with him directly and tell him your needs.” My friend panicked! She quickly stated, “Oh, it’s okay! I will get someone else to do it. I don’t want to bother him!” I immediately realized that my friend was scared to talk to my husband. I realized she had never really ever talked to him. I had no idea that she felt that he was unapproachable. However, I forced the issued and put them on the phone together and he told her he would be happy to do it. 

This incident caused an immediate “discussion”. I told my husband that he should not be so intimidating with people. He told me that he was just “being himself”. I told him he could try harder at making people feel more comfortable being around them by talking to them. He said, “I have friends that talk to me all the time!” He then stated, “I don’t know why people are so afraid of me, I have never even talked to them.” Of course, I replied, “Well if you would be more friendly towards them, then they wouldn’t be scared of you.” I don’t think I practiced my “softened start-up” technique very well.  

As I think about it, I was the one that needed to relax a bit. I told him that I needed to lighten up a bit. He told me that he would try a little harder and not try to come across so unapproachable. This encompassed our good repair attempts, soothing and comprise techniques.

Over time, I started to recognize that my husband is the most genuinely friendly person I know. I know he had to think about it sometimes. Change can be hard. But he was sensitive to others. He didn’t change his personality to suit others, he just became more aware of them and their feelings. Through this change, I came to realize just what a kind a generous person he is. He is always serving others. Because of this change, I don’t push him to talk to everyone he comes in contact with.  

The story ends happily. This problem no longer lingers between us. By the way… My friend, who called and asked for the bale of hay… became really good friends with my husband. She became known as the “big sister” he never had.

Defying Pride, Embracing Forgiveness In Marriage

Have you ever thought in your mind, “How am I ever going to forgive that person for the terrible things they have done to me?” Have you ever let a loved one go on for a long time, thinking that you will never forgive them? Have you ever thought, “I will forgive that person in due time, but for now, I am going to keep reminding them of what they did wrong that offended me so badly?” Did you ever think, “I am wrong for not forgiving this person, but it just hurts too much?” Sadly, I can say that I can answer yes to all of these questions.

There were many times I wallowed in my own self-pity and self-absorption. I would think such things as: “Why doesn’t my husband get it?” How come he is not listening? Doesn’t he know that I am having thoughts of separating from him? I can make it on my own! I am growing and learning and moving forward in life. He is living a stagnate life and not progressing. How can this marriage last, if I am succeeding and he is not?”

I am aware that my problem wasn’t trying to forgive my husband,  my problem stemmed from me. My problem was… I had too much pride. This week I had a personal revelation. I realized that we can think of forgiveness in a whole new way. When there are times we are feeling hurt or downtrodden by those we love, we might need to think of something else besides forgiving them. Maybe what we need to do is look at our “prideful ways”.

 

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This pride that I speak of is the pride that keeps us from progressing in our relationships with those that we love.  Please don’t misunderstand me. I know that people can emotionally hurt and possibly even physically harm us. With those terrible moments in our lives, we need to stand back and call upon the Lord to help us endure those moments. We need to seek His direction on how we handle such matters. Forgiveness may be necessary, but more importantly, we need to make sure pride does not get in the way of our forgiveness.

President Ezra Taft Benson taught: “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common element among us- and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift one another, and being unforgiving and jealous.” (Beware of Pride, 1989)

C.S. Lewis also stated:

 

I remember a time, when I was having a very difficult time in my marriage. I had felt neglected by my husband, but not in the manner of him paying attention to me. We talked.  My feelings of neglect stemmed from a different source. He was unemployed for several months and I had felt that he had given up on trying to find a job completely. During that time, I worked full time and had chosen to go back to school to finish my college education. I felt that I was the only bread-winner in the family. I felt that he was neglecting his duties as a provider of our family.

Over the next several months, I became extremely busy in my work and schooling. I now recognize that I chose to become busy, to avoid the stress in our marriage.
During this time, I grew resentful that my husband wasn’t “progressing” like I was. He wasn’t working. He wasn’t going to school to better himself. I began to think I was going to surpass him in life. (This wasn’t a far stretch to think this way. My husband’s parent divorced after 25 years of marriage. There excuse for the divorce was that one had progressed further than the other in their job and in schooling. It always sounded like a reasonable and logical reason to get divorced.) During this time, I felt lonely, unloved and afraid to talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I was deeply involved with my “pride”.

Then one day a miracle happened. I had an “Intervention” so to speak. My husband's  two wonderful sisters came and took me to lunch for my birthday. That lunch changed my life. They began to tell me that they loved me very much and that they didn’t want to see my marriage end with their brother. They could relate to the difficulties that I was having. They just sat and listened to me as I cried out my feelings of desperation. This was such a remarkable blessing in my life. They had both experienced pain in their life. One of my sister in laws had suffered a very bitter divorce and the other was about to get a divorce from her husband.  These two unlikely sources, one’s who marriages had suffered through much, were there to help me save mine.

A few days later it was my actual birthday. My family has a tradition of always going to a nice restaurant for dinner for our birthdays. One of my favorite restaurants is on the Las Vegas Strip. It sits across the street from the world famous Bellagio Water Fountains. After dinner we walked across the street to watch the water show.

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The thing that happened next, I will never forget. My husband put his arms around me and told me he loved me. At that very moment I felt all that “smothering pride” leave my body. It was as physical as taking a 100-pound backpack off of my shoulders. I felt nothing but a newness of love encircles us. It didn’t matter what our problems were, what mattered was that we worked through it together. What I truly recognize is that forgiveness wasn’t what my husband needed, it was me letting go of my pride. It was choosing to be humble. It was choosing to be happy.