What should you do when you are having an argument with your spouse? The answer: “Stick your tongue out at each other and see what happens. Hopefully, there will be a burst of laughter and the tensions will quickly dissipate.
In John M. Gottman’s book entitled The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, he teaches principles that will hopefully help couples deepen their friendship with one another. However, this is a different kind of friendship. This friendship is a most important one, it is a friendship that only married couples can have.
As I started reading this book, my heart leaped. I am lucky. I relearned what I already knew. My husband and I are best friends! We have always been each other’s best friend even during the hard times of marriage. Believe me we have our arguments, but what is reassuring is that it’s okay to have them. It what we do in those arguments that determines the health of our marriage. Gottman states: “Even happily Married couples can have screaming matches-loud arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage.” (Pg. 14) We need to have a strong friendship to get us through those arguments.
Gottman’s definition of friendship is exactly what it should be. He states: “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and the enjoyment of each other’s company…. Couples tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams…They express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (Pg. 21)
Gottman also says that “Bolstering your friendship is so critical in large part because it fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that we all hope marriages will provide…The strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretell the relationships future…” (pg. 51)
I especially could relate to some of his insight about how we have conversations with our spouses.
In his book, Gottman teaches us about the “Repair Attempt. This refers tells of a couple that was having an argument, to make things lighten up a bit, they stuck their tongues out at each other. This caused a moment of genuine laughter between the two of them. It may not have solved the issues they were fighting over, but it did take away the possibility of the argument getting out of hand. (pg. 27)
That is exactly something that my husband and I would do if we were arguing. We might make a funny face at one another, or start doing a goofy dance. The point is we would both start laughing. It would be a moment that we remember “Oh yeah! We are best friends!”
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