The Appreciation Game!

 

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My husband and I played a wonderful game, where we both were the winners! It’s called “I Appreciate…” (Gottman) We each picked five “appreciations” or positive qualities from a per-determined list that reminded us of each other. We took each quality and added an example and shared with one another. It went a little like this…

Attributes about Adam chosen by Cindy:

1. Thanks for being such a great dad! – “You have always been there for our children, even in times when I feel like I couldn’t be.”
2. Thank you for desiring me. – “I am not 20 anymore! But you always make me feel like I am still beautiful and desired. It gives me confidence in who I am.”
3. Thank you for just being there when I felt sad. – “You are always there when I feel depressed or discouraged, you don’t lecture me or tell me to get over it. You are such a great comfort.”

Attributes about Cindy chosen by Adam:

1. Thanks for making dinner: It was delicious! - “Thank you for knowing how to cook! It brings me great joy knowing I sit down to a wonderful meal every day!”
2. Thanks for saving money for us. – “Thank you for watching where our money goes. You never hardly spend it on yourself. In fact, you always use our money to benefit others. You are a bargain shopper and yet you still manage to help us have nice things.”
3. Thanks for being your best self! (This one wasn’t even on the list, He came up with it on his own!)- Thank you for always putting your best effort into everything. Our marriage, our children, your schooling. I love this about you!”

By the time we were done with this game, we both had tears in our eyes. We felt our love renewed and we felt a stronger connection with one another. This is a way that we can nurture our fondness and admiration for one another.

 

 

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If a couple is struggling in their marriage, they can try to rekindle the flame by remembering the good things about each other. John Gottman states: If a couple still have a functioning fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable...Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 68-69)

Being married means that we need to be constantly thinking of our companion. This is quite a sacrifice on our part. Goddard stated: “We cannot have our eyes on our partner and on ourselves at the same time.” (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Pg. 51).  Wow! What a statement! How often do I think of myself? All the time! How often do I think of my wonderful husband, Adam? A good portion of the time! I have learned a valuable lesson here; I need to switch who I am thinking about!

  

We also need to pray that we will be loving and patient with our spouses. We should try to be specific when we ask the Lord to help us know the needs of our spouses. President Henry B. Eyring gave us some suggestions that we could use in our daily prayers:

1. “Pray for the love that allows you to see the good in your companion.
2. Pray for the love that makes weakness and mistakes seem small.
3. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own
4. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.

(Our Perfect Example, Ensign, November, 2009. Pg. 70)

If we can learn to appreciate the things our companions do for us, our marriages will be stronger. If we can nurture our fondness and admiration for them, we will build tender memories that last.  If we can begin to think of our companion first and sacrifice our time on their behalf, our burdens will become lighter. If we can pray for our spouses and ask the Lord to bless them with all of the things that they need, the Lord will bless our marriages in ways we could never imagine.

 

Sticking Your Tongue Out! The Friendship of Marriage!

 

What should you do when you are having an argument with your spouse? The answer: “Stick your tongue out at each other and see what happens. Hopefully, there will be a burst of laughter and the tensions will quickly dissipate.

In John M. Gottman’s book entitled The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, he teaches principles that will hopefully help couples deepen their friendship with one another.  However, this is a different kind of friendship. This friendship is a most important one, it is a friendship that only married couples can have.

As I started reading this book, my heart leaped. I am lucky. I relearned what I already knew. My husband and I are best friends! We have always been each other’s best friend even during the hard times of marriage. Believe me we have our arguments, but what is reassuring is that it’s okay to have them. It what we do in those arguments that determines the health of our marriage.  Gottman states: “Even happily Married couples can have screaming matches-loud arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage.” (Pg. 14) We need to have a strong friendship to get us through those arguments.

Gottman’s definition of friendship is exactly what it should be. He states: “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and the enjoyment of each other’s company…. Couples tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams…They express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (Pg. 21)

Gottman also says that “Bolstering your friendship is so critical in large part because it fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that we all hope marriages will provide…The strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretell the relationships future…” (pg. 51)
I especially could relate to some of his insight about how we have conversations with our spouses.

In his book, Gottman teaches us about the “Repair Attempt. This refers tells of a couple that was having an argument, to make things lighten up a bit, they stuck their tongues out at each other. This caused a moment of genuine laughter between the two of them. It may not have solved the issues they were fighting over, but it did take away the possibility of the argument getting out of hand. (pg. 27)

That is exactly something that my husband and I would do if we were arguing. We might make a funny face at one another, or start doing a goofy dance. The point is we would both start laughing. It would be a moment that we remember “Oh yeah! We are best friends!” 

Temples and Wolves

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Are We Prepared for the Tough Times? Marriage Between Man and Woman Must be Defended!

Are We Prepared for the Tough Times? Marriage Between Man and Woman Must be Defended!
President Russel M. Nelson an Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, spoke at the 2014 graduation commencement at Brigham Young University.  His speech was titled: “Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage”. His speech was a little surprising to me. It wasn’t the typical “Now that you have graduated, go out there and conquer the world!” type of speech. It was more of a … “Good, you’ve worked hard, you know some stuff now, so go get married and start your families. Teach them, love them, and convert them to the Gospel of Jesus Christ” type of speech.
President Nelson said, “you will likely encounter increasing debate about the definition of marriage. Many of your neighbors, colleagues, and friends will have never heard logical and inspired truths about the importance of marriage as God Himself defined it. You will have many opportunities to strengthen understanding of the Lord’s side of that argument by the eloquence of your example, both as individuals and as families.” I have to say that the topic of what defines a marriage and a family has hit my heart, my family’s heart, and the very soul of our home. For me to continue, I need to disclose some very intimate information about my family. I have a magnificent and beautiful daughter who has declared herself as a lesbian. I have asked her permission to disclose this information as she knows where I stand on marriage and family. In fact, when asking her if I could reveal personal things about her, she stated: “Yep! Go right ahead!  I love you, Mom!” She knows what a tender topic this is for me. The amazing thing is, she is on board with so many of the teachings we have in the Church about marriage and family. She loves the whole concept of what a family is. A mother and father raising children in a loving home, is still very much ideal to her.  She understands what a loving parents can do for a child, for she has stated that she is blessed with the parents she has been entrusted too.   With that being said, she has her struggles. She is still trying to find meaning in her life choices and decisions. Our family has made the decision to continue with love and support in her life endeavors, however, she also knows where her parents, older brothers, and other family members stand on the issue of marriage.   The question has been asked, “Are you prepared for the tough times that are now upon us and which will only grow increasingly more challenging?” The answer is resounding yes! After much prayer, scripture study, pondering, and listening to our prophets and apostles, I can say that I can stand up for what is right. Marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God! It is the only way to have eternal blessings of families being together forever. What I have recognized, is that the Savior love us all infinitely. His job is to bring all of Heavenly Father’s children back home to Him. It is hard for me to think that the Savior will fail in His endeavors. It is up to us to help our Savior, by standing up for marriage and family. We are His Disciples of the Lord! Lastly, Our Heavenly Father loves all of His children regardless of their  human struggles.  I know he loves my daughter. Because of those struggles that life has dealt to all of us, He provided a Savior to come and atone for all of us.  That has become clearer to me than ever before. Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, these difficult issues that  I and my family face, has been made easier to accept. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-marriage/