Thanksgiving and My Mother- Law

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When I was newly married, my mother-in-law did something that made my life easier. She told me that I didn’t have to come to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. She expressed to me and her other in-law children that she didn’t want to stress everyone out for the holidays. To her, it just wasn’t worth the high emotions that can run at that time of year. She presented me with an alternative for Thanksgiving dinner. She asked me if I would like to join her for Thanksgiving Dinner on the Saturday following Thanksgiving Day. How could I refuse? She was allowing me to do whatever I pleased on Thanksgiving Day and I was happy to show up for a second wonderful dinner a few days later.  

In the book Helping and Healing Our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by “The Family: Proclamation to The World” James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen have a chapter entitled, Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families. This chapter focuses on how we can make our marriages strong and weather the storms of “In-Law-Dom”. 

These authors teach that newly married couples need to form an identity of their own and not “cleave unto” their parents. My mother- in law was making this possible for me by allowing me to start my own traditions. However, the authors recommend that we should not forget our parents. “New husbands and wives must recognize that their spouses still have relationships with their parents.” This was important to me as well; I didn’t want to cut my husband off from his parents or family. With my mother-in-law’s proposal of a Saturday Thanksgiving dinner, it made it easy to do this.  I wanted to take the time and be with her and my husband’s family. 

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    An important factor in the In-Law relationship is communication. There shouldn’t be mixed  messages, or ignoring people. This can only lead to heartache and misery. It can also lead to marriage instability. Gloria Horsley listed five things that every parent-in-law should avoid they are: (Pg. 332.)     

•  Give advice/ criticizing

• Force children to explain why they didn’t make the big  family event

• Take over the discipline of grand-children

• Control everyone and try to influence everyone’s belief system

• Have unclear and indirect communication

My mother-in-law did a wonderful job in communicating her expectations to me. I was able to evaluate for myself, whether her expectations were fair or not. Luckily, I felt she was more than fair. She was unselfish in giving up a beloved holiday dinner so her In-law children would not feel the pressure of accommodating her. This simple act went a long way with me and forming a relationship with my mother-in law.  I recognize now that it was her way of saying, “I want you to be happy in your marriage. I don’t want to come between you and my son in making small or large decisions in your marriage. This is your marriage to grow and nurture. Go and be happily married.” 

Who’s The Boss? Parents and Leadership in the Home

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Did you grow up in a family where mom and dad were considered equal bosses of the home? Did they make decisions together and counsel with one another on important decisions?  Or did you grow up in a home where you and your siblings “ruled the roost”? Maybe you grew up in a home where your father had the absolute say on everything, or maybe it was your mother? Whatever, your situation someone in your household had to be the boss. 

The next question I am going to ask is “Who is the “best type of boss” in a home where children reside?”  

A. Is it one parent?

B. Is it two parents’? (Mom and Dad).

C. Is it the child or children? (Please don’t laugh at this, I have seen many children run the show in their households.)

D. Is it possibly Grandma and Grandpa?

The answers to my question is B, mom and dad.  Of course this seems obvious to most people. It even sounds ideal, and it is. However, I am well aware that some homes do not have both parents’ residing in the home. In that case, the answer is would be A. It is also possible that neither parents exist in the home. (I have also witnessed this in my lifetime) and the grandparents are those who raise children and need to act as the boss of their grandchildren. But the answer I was looking for, eluded to who was the “best” boss in the home. I believe it is both the father and the mother presiding equally over their family. 

The most important thing to recognize is that parents should lead with “loving leadership”. Parents should not be harsh or abusive with their children. They should not be domineering and lead their homes as if it were a dictatorship. It means that they lead their children with love and understanding.

Richard B. Miller PhD gave an address at the BYU Conference on Family Life entitled: Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in the Family (Miller, 2008). He stated that: “The issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems.” He lists four things to help us recognize these issues and how to avoid them. 

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1. Parents are the leaders in the family. Miller states: “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors of a family. 

2. Parent’s must be united in leadership: “It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family…It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If a parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present.” 

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 3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. – Yes, finally! The day does come when a child no longer needs to be bossed around by his parents! Miller goes on to state: “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.” However, there is a caveat to this. Parents still can ask their children to abide by their rules and standards when they are present in their homes. 

4. The marital relationship should be a partnership. Miller acknowledges: “Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife… Husband and wives do have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.”  A father should provide for the necessities of his family, while a mother is responsible for the nurture of the children.

When we recognize as parents and children our divine roles in the family, then peace and unity can abide in the family unit.

President Thomas S. Monson puts it all into perspective! He states: “What is most important, almost always involves the people around us (Monson, 2008)” 

And what is most important? Family, of course! 

References:

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Thomas S. Monson, “Finding Joy in the Journey”. General Conference, October 2008.

Affairs Of The Heart

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One evening, many years ago, I walked out of a church building after I had attended a meeting.  As I walked to find my car in the parking lot, I saw a man and woman standing on the sidewalk talking rather closely with each other. They had smiles on their faces as they were looking at each other.  It was obvious that they were happy to be conversing with one another.  We were the only three people in the parking lot at the time. They looked up at me, I looked at them and we said “hello” and I continued to go get into my car. 

You would think that this would be a normal greeting, a friendly hi to people I knew. In fact, the woman in the parking lot happened to be a very close friend. We had known each other before both of us were married years earlier. In fact, she was the friend that introduced me to my husband.  The man was a more of a friendly acquaintance, however, I knew his wife and some of his children a little bit better.  But still, it was an awkward greeting. It was a feeling of “something isn’t quite right” kind of thing.  

As I continued my drive home, I had a terrible feeling come over me. I had seen my friend with this man much more than I realized. I had seen them at parties, church functions, friendly gatherings. Their families were there, but I realized that most of their attention was focused on each other, not their families and certainly not their spouses. 

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I started reflecting on a few things that had happened while being with my friend during the last several weeks. As we were together, she would mention that she was struggling with things about her marriage. I noticed that she was growing increasing unhappy in her situation.  I noticed that when she talked about the man (in the parking lot) that she would talk very fondly of him, mentioning his qualities of kindness, patience, and an easy going nature. I began to realize that she was comparing the qualities of this man to the qualities of her husband. I could see and feel that her husband was not winning in the comparison. 

I had had a feeling that something was going on with my friend and this man for some time, but I wanted to be in denial of it. We were so close, and our children played with one another, yet I wanted to ignore the signs. I could never bring myself to ask her about such a personal matter. How dare I do that? What if I was wrong?  But that evening, when I walked out that church door, my feelings could no longer be ignored. 

As time passed, I didn’t question my friend. I waited for her to tell me. Finally, my friend came to my door and asked to speak with me and my husband. She began to admit to us that she was having an affair and that she had planned to leave her husband. Although it wasn’t shocking news, it was heart-wrenching, and devastating news to hear. So many lives were changed by this decision by two people. They married shortly after and are still married to this day. 

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When affairs begin, a person may think that they are not even entering into that territory. They might think that they are just making a new close friend at work or at church that really understands. They may think that this new friendship is something unique because the new friend just “gets it”. 

In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Goddard talks about how subtly Satan starts to pull us into situations that essentially are non-threatening. Friendships start-up that seem benign. Our behaviors are innocent, but our affections can start to grow. Then the flirting begins, and all of sudden, there is justification on the way we are feeling, yet we think that no harm has been done. Then we start to see the relationship as being “special”. 

 This is when it gets really dangerous. Goddard says: “The unfaithfulness moves to more serious and dangerous stage of unfaithfulness when one or both of the people declare their relationship ‘special’.  They would never dream of doing anything immoral or improper… but a person increasingly makes excuses to see the special friend. They plan their schedules to assure they will be together.”  

At this stage a person might start seeing their spouse as annoyance or nuisance. Also, at this stage a person may start having fantasies about how they should have always been with this person from the beginning and not their spouse. The final stage of unfaithfulness is when physical aspects such as kissing or sexual acts begin. Of course, this can lead to the breakup of a marriage and of a family. 

If we find ourselves turning towards someone else, and not our spouses, we need to stop, turn around and run! We should always be aware of our feelings in situations. Goddard gives wonderful keys on how we can keep from falling into the path of an affair:

• Do not look at another person lustfully.

• Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person who is not your spouse.

• Guard your level of emotional intimacy you build with a non-spouse.

• Do not let your heart dwell on anyone other than your spouse

• Spend more time with your spouse doing enjoyable things.

• Pray for strength and ask for the Lord to put temptation out of your mind.

• Stay away from pornography at all cost.

If we try to remember to put our spouses first in our hearts, thoughts and minds, we will be blessed with loving and appreciating them more and more each day.

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Follow up on my friend: 

There were and still are many consequences that my friend and her spouse face today with the decision that were made. In fact, everyone that was involved in this situation, the ex-spouses, the children, still face hard consequences for the actions of two people. But with that being said, I also believe that my friend and her spouse have also suffered much. I have certainly watched them pay a price for their actions. I do believe they recognize the pain and hardship that they caused.

I do not wish them ill will. I love them dearly.  I continue to wish them luck and good fortune in their journey. I also wish the same for their ex-spouses and their new spouses. But mostly, I wish it for their children. I want them all to be happy. I know that the Lord wants them to be happy. 

Time does heal, however it is the Atonement of Jesus Christ is what truly reconciles what is good and virtuous. The Savior has offered a way back into His fold. He has offered a way to have peace again. He loves all of His Children regardless of the mistakes we make. He does not condone our sins, however, He will forgive them if we will repent. That is the shining light that gives me hope. To know that we can start all over again.